Day 97 - Hoài Tân
I'm somewhere but I'm not sure where. In a geographical sense I'm by the beach in Vietnam. In a town that may or may not be called Hoài Tân. It's the place nearby whose name remains when you zoom out of Google Maps. In a numerical sense I'm 1000km into a 2000km journey so, according to Pythagoras, halfway. In a specific sense I'm in a bar that is so empty of other people that my thoughts seem to echo even though the place has no walls. The only sound is the fan cooling me and the waves hitting the beach. I cough and it sounds like a foghorn. The staff mill about in the background but they have no English and I am deeply alone. 
I find the situation strange rather than unpleasant, though I feel bound to search my feelings. In a personal sense I find myself unsure if I'm the person I was, the person that pursued an unfulfilling life to breaking point. I suspect not but it is hard to judge when you're inside the fishbowl. Rory would insist I am well down the path to finding a better, happier way of living. And what were those tenets of happiness we defined? Those things that were within my power to influence?
Sounds easy. Also sounds hard. But nobody said getting up from the floor would be easy and nobody said it wouldn't be worthwhile. These past three and a half months have become hazy, overrun with names and places and experiences and occasional insight. I feel like I've tried to understand my feelings but it's often been a sideways glance in the mirror. I see part of the reflection but not the entirety, not with clarity. But there's such a solitude in this place it is very hard not to look directly at that reflection. And I see the demon there beside me. I'm a little taller I think. He's still telling me that I'm not who I should be. Not someone that other people will value. But I can't control what those people think of me and whether they value me is their own decision to make. And I shouldn't change who I am to court that value. It should just be a happy by-product of valuing myself. Sometimes changing who you are will make people value you more but only change if it is the right thing for you. No-one back home would do this, would make this journey like I have. Would find themselves in a deserted beach bar. It's brave and I'm not sure even when I describe it to them they will be able to fully understand how brave. But that doesn't matter because it feels brave to me. And that is the only thing that really counts here. My high opinion of myself has been hollow, a floated idea seeking endorsement to fully exist. But that eternal validation it sought is also hollow because it can be given and taken away at will. At another's will. You are a half-person doing the things you do but letting others dictate how you feel about it. The weight of the world's opinions is crushing. Self-validation is the ultimate freedom. This trip is melting me down and allowing a new shape to form, natural and moulded by loving hands.
- Not having a self-limiting mindset
- Making the effort to express myself creatively
- Being available for family and friends
Sounds easy. Also sounds hard. But nobody said getting up from the floor would be easy and nobody said it wouldn't be worthwhile. These past three and a half months have become hazy, overrun with names and places and experiences and occasional insight. I feel like I've tried to understand my feelings but it's often been a sideways glance in the mirror. I see part of the reflection but not the entirety, not with clarity. But there's such a solitude in this place it is very hard not to look directly at that reflection. And I see the demon there beside me. I'm a little taller I think. He's still telling me that I'm not who I should be. Not someone that other people will value. But I can't control what those people think of me and whether they value me is their own decision to make. And I shouldn't change who I am to court that value. It should just be a happy by-product of valuing myself. Sometimes changing who you are will make people value you more but only change if it is the right thing for you. No-one back home would do this, would make this journey like I have. Would find themselves in a deserted beach bar. It's brave and I'm not sure even when I describe it to them they will be able to fully understand how brave. But that doesn't matter because it feels brave to me. And that is the only thing that really counts here. My high opinion of myself has been hollow, a floated idea seeking endorsement to fully exist. But that eternal validation it sought is also hollow because it can be given and taken away at will. At another's will. You are a half-person doing the things you do but letting others dictate how you feel about it. The weight of the world's opinions is crushing. Self-validation is the ultimate freedom. This trip is melting me down and allowing a new shape to form, natural and moulded by loving hands.
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