Pills, pills, pills

As I reach the end of my course of medication I look back at the variety of pharmaceuticals I swallowed, usually in complete ignorance of their purpose. Having done some 'research' into these colourful little concoctions I present the results below.


Top to bottom, left to right.


1,
Name: Forte
Type: Caplet
Size: Very large
Colour: Dried blood
Purpose: This pill establishes whether there is any constriction of the airway, being sized, as it is, to the average human airway. If it becomes lodged in the throat constriction has occurred. In this way it is a little like Witch dunking in it's functioning.
Side effects: Death by asphyxiation

2,
Name: Vizylac
Type: Caplet
Size: Medium
Colour: Shocking pink
Purpose: This pill is administered when a patient has temporarily lost the use of one leg. It enables the patient to comfortably put all their bodyweight on the other leg for extended periods of time thereby increasing mobility. Contains extract of Flamingo.
Side effects: Cravings for seafood, esp Shrimp

3,
Name: Proxyvon Wockhardt
Type: Caplet
Size: Large
Colour: Red/gray
Purpose: A promotional drug released by Manchester United Football Club (MUFC) in 1995 to prove their notorious away kit of that season was in fact a most tasteful combination of colours. It also had the effect of increased allegiance to the club. Produced in large numbers abroad it is still included in most treatments if only to get rid of it.
Side effects: Largely foreign MUFC fanbase, perpetual sense of entitlement, moral degradation

4,
Name: Unknown
Type: Tablet
Size: Medium
Colour: White
Purpose: None, generic white pill given for the sake of completeness.
Side effects: Vampirism

5,
Name: Femidom
Type: Tablet
Size: Medium
Colour: Light pink
Purpose: Increases forbearance, empathy, ability to navigate, multi-tasking. Given to male patients to bolster their fortitude in the face of illness. Especially effective against 'man-flu'.
Side effects: Crying, all.the.time

6,
Name: Unknown
Type: Pill
Size: Small
Colour: Yellow
Purpose: Not certain that this is a drug, looks like a lentil from the Daal Masala I ate in hospital.
Side effects: In excess, gaseous emissions

7,
Name: Celin
Type: Pill
Size: Medium
Colour: White
Purpose: Alleviates the side effects from taking the drug 'CFT'.
Side effects: Propensity to gamble (esp Blackjack), herpes, excess earwax

8,
Name: CFT
Type: Pill
Size: Large
Colour: White
Purpose: Alleviates the side effects from taking the drug 'Celin'.
Side effects: Hirsutism in women, urge to cross stitch., constipation, diarrhea

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