1 year return-to-base warranty

Day X - Birmingham

It's not an easy thing to summate the thoughts and feelings of the past few weeks and I attempt it now not entirely confident that I will be successful. Indeed I am waiting for the usual flow to take me but the current is not there, stagnant I think is the descriptor. I look back at highs and lows,
the 'emotional ECG'images of it and find cause to treat any sensation or mood with a wary eye so mindful am I now of their fleeting conviction. One day joy, the next gloom, was either emotion worth the heartstring it was written on? It’s as if there if there is no definable identity, you are one of a myriad of personalities created only by a given state of mind. The subconscious and its teeming processes are hidden from our analysis but every second of every day they are creating and destroying you like a miniature Shiva inside us all. But there is solace in such vibrant variation and the furious energy it seems to grant, home is such a comfortable coma where I could close my eyes and sleep for a thousand years. How I miss travel, there was a certainty in the uncertain, a joy in having bearings but no mooring. The possibilitiesCRW_9475 of the next few months are terrifying to me, might dreams be dashed on the rocks of practicality? (that’s enough maritime metaphors I think). But there are reasons to be grateful too and I am certainly not the only one indisposed. What unwavering friendship I have received these weeks. What infinite patience with an insolent patient! ‘Thanks’ doesn’t really seem to do it justice, how can one find the words? The progenitors too fly ten thousand miles and now house me once again, how many more times? As many as it takes I suspect. So there is the silver lining to this monsoon cloud, the reaffirmation that when I do fall there is somebody to pick me up (even if it is from the side of a railway track).
Lucky? Me? Damn right.

Pills, pills, pills

As I reach the end of my course of medication I look back at the variety of pharmaceuticals I swallowed, usually in complete ignorance of their purpose. Having done some 'research' into these colourful little concoctions I present the results below.

Top to bottom, left to right.

Name: Forte
Type: Caplet
Size: Very large
Colour: Dried blood
Purpose: This pill establishes whether there is any constriction of the airway, being sized, as it is, to the average human airway. If it becomes lodged in the throat constriction has occurred. In this way it is a little like Witch dunking in it's functioning.
Side effects: Death by asphyxiation

Name: Vizylac
Type: Caplet
Size: Medium
Colour: Shocking pink
Purpose: This pill is administered when a patient has temporarily lost the use of one leg. It enables the patient to comfortably put all their bodyweight on the other leg for extended periods of time thereby increasing mobility. Contains extract of Flamingo.
Side effects: Cravings for seafood, esp Shrimp

Name: Proxyvon Wockhardt
Type: Caplet
Size: Large
Colour: Red/gray
Purpose: A promotional drug released by Manchester United Football Club (MUFC) in 1995 to prove their notorious away kit of that season was in fact a most tasteful combination of colours. It also had the effect of increased allegiance to the club. Produced in large numbers abroad it is still included in most treatments if only to get rid of it.
Side effects: Largely foreign MUFC fanbase, perpetual sense of entitlement, moral degradation

Name: Unknown
Type: Tablet
Size: Medium
Colour: White
Purpose: None, generic white pill given for the sake of completeness.
Side effects: Vampirism

Name: Femidom
Type: Tablet
Size: Medium
Colour: Light pink
Purpose: Increases forbearance, empathy, ability to navigate, multi-tasking. Given to male patients to bolster their fortitude in the face of illness. Especially effective against 'man-flu'.
Side effects: Crying, all.the.time

Name: Unknown
Type: Pill
Size: Small
Colour: Yellow
Purpose: Not certain that this is a drug, looks like a lentil from the Daal Masala I ate in hospital.
Side effects: In excess, gaseous emissions

Name: Celin
Type: Pill
Size: Medium
Colour: White
Purpose: Alleviates the side effects from taking the drug 'CFT'.
Side effects: Propensity to gamble (esp Blackjack), herpes, excess earwax

Name: CFT
Type: Pill
Size: Large
Colour: White
Purpose: Alleviates the side effects from taking the drug 'Celin'.
Side effects: Hirsutism in women, urge to cross stitch., constipation, diarrhea